Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round's a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots
wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad
at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out
the window?
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She is 97 today and we don't
know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would
not be caught dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank
robbery has just taken place.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your
three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a
pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say because it is such a beautiful animal. There you go.
I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede
jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she
sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were
any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford
Library; the James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library
and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.