PAYING THEM MILLIONS PER YEAR
Part 1.
The Justification For Why Professional Sports Figures Should Be Paid
Millions Per Year
The strongest and ablest men are today's sports-wealthy. Down through
history, there have been two roles for these types of men.
During times of war, they were the warriors. Today we are advanced in
technology so we no longer need the big, brawny types to fight our wars. Now
we need smart scrawny nerds to keep the computers on our war machines going.
We no longer need or want big warriors. They take up too much space, eat too
much food, are too dumb, guzzle beer, get into fights, and are
insubordinate.
When these big, brawny types are not fighting wars, they are roaming the
countryside causing trouble. They are the brutes who fight and wrestle and
rob banks. They are the guys who start barroom brawls. They are bigger than
the law and uncontrollable.
Since we don't want them to any longer fight our wars and we desperately
want to keep them off our streets, the wisest strategy for our enlightened
culture has been to keep them away from these by paying them large sums of
money and letting them beat each other up on football fields, hockey arenas,
race tracks, basketball courts, boxing rings, tennis courts, wrestling
extravaganzas, etc. Then when their bodies have sufficiently been broken,
they are unable to rain terror on society. Instead, in retirement, they
groan and lick their wounds and brag about their days of prowess. And the
millions they were paid serves to distract them with their investments.
Since their brawn is in their bodies and not in their brains, they make bad
investments with their millions and we end up with it anyway. But in the
meantime, while they are being fleeced, their naïve investment strategies
keep them off the streets and out of trouble. It is cheaper than trying to
civilize them.
So it is worthwhile for society to pay these brutes millions per year. If we
didn't, can you imagine what it would be like to have these guys roaming our
neighborhoods, causing havoc, scaring the police, and filling our prisons?
It is cheaper to pay them the millions.
In the inner recesses of our brains, when we watch sports, we enjoy it
because we are thinking: "I am glad they are beating each other up out
there
in a controlled environment instead of in my backyard."
What else can we do with them but to give them lots of money and hope there
are distracted long enough until they are too old to terrorize our land.
Part 2.
What Are We Going To Do With the Hackers?
It took civilization hundreds of years to develop the above strategy. It
took a long time to figure out how to handle the big, dumb, brutes among us.
We finally did it, thanks to the NFL, the NCAA, etc. But society is changing
so quickly. Whereas we had hundreds of years to develop the above strategy,
we don't have much time to decide on a strategy for protecting ourselves
from the small, smart, scrawny nerds who terrorize computer systems. They
are infinitely more destructive than the 350 pound linemen. By punching a
few keys on their computers with their scrawny warted fingers, they can
wreak havoc on corporations, destroy the infrastructure of nations, control
missile systems, and read my intimate email messages. Whereas brutes could
only terrorize locally, the new nerds have terrorized the world. They are
stronger than governments and armies.
To complicate things, we can visualize what the brutes are doing. We can see
that they are stronger and bigger and meaner than the rest of us. We can see
the blood they bring and feel the pain they prescribe. But we can't see or
fathom the strategies of the nerds. They do "stuff" on their computer
keyboards and nations and armies and giant corporations are brought to their
knees. The "stuff" they do is all beyond our understanding.
If we follow the path we followed with the brutes, we will have to find a
way to pay the nerds big bucks and keep them occupied with their money and
not with destroying society. But where will the money come from? We can pay
the brutes by selling TV advertising. But how can we sell advertising for
watching a nerd pluck his keyboard? Another avenue will need to be
developed.
One option is to stop paying the brutes their big salaries and then blame it
on the nerds. The brutes will then channel all of their aggression towards
the nerds and hopefully break all of their fingers so badly that they will
never go near a computer again. Then the brutes will need to crush their
vocal cords so they won't be able to use voice recognition to do their dirty
work.
We have a serious problem with the nerds. The above solution is partially
workable. The problem is that, once the brutes have maimed all of the nerds,
they will turn on us normal people. So we will have to give them back their
big salaries to distract them. But since only the nerds know how to run the
television technology, we will no longer be able to make the money to pay
them.
The best solution will have to include two factors: 1. We will have to keep
the brutes bruising each other and paying them big bucks. 2. We will have to
find a way to maximally use all of the nerd brains and to pay them so much
money they will forget about sabotaging the universe with their computer
hacking.
My proposal is that we hook the brutes up with thousands of electrodes which
can be controlled by the nerds. The electrodes will enhance the performance
of the brutes. And the thousands of electrodes in each player will need to
be controlled by thousands of nerds on their computers. Let the brutes play
their games and let the nerds use their latest technologies to enhance their
playing abilities. Pay them both millions.
Then we can watch the enhanced brutes in their sporting events and we can
applaud the abilities of the most adroit nerds and live happily ever after,
free from the local terrorism of the brutes and the global terrorism of the
nerds. The brutes are ready. Go do it, nerds.