> >A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read
the
> >following carefully.......
> >I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
> able
> >to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming
> >current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by
North
> >American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of
> Ohio,
> >Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and
better
> >contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in
> mind.
> >However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
> local
> >replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of
> the
> >family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to
> all
> >the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between
us.
> >Differences such as:
> >1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
> Claus.
> He
> >has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys
> >insured by Smith and Wesson."
> >2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
> an
> RC
> >cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
> smoke
> >a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can
> handy.
> >3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
> instead
> of
> >reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
> time,
> >and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
> >4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen
..." when
> Bubba
> >Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin
> and
> >Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
> >5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely
> to
> >hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
> >6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
a
> >Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back
off." The
> last
> >I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is
> >Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the
> other
> is
> >a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
> >7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street"
> and
> >"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing
> area.
> >Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the
> Bandit
> >IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
patrol
> cars
> >crashing into each other.
> >8 Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the
> >wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents
> >>under the tree.
> >9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
> "Rudolph
> >The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to
> Town."
> >This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio
> stations
> >in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba
Claus Shot
> the
> >Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer.
> >Sincerely Yours,
> >Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)